I Have Been a Home

I Have Been a Home

I have been a home for nine months

Nine easy, tiring, relaxing, quiet, cramped, wild 

Subtly ever changing months

A home that found peace escaping to the mountain air

Taking walks in the forest

Walks turning into waddles

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The doctor said, “It’s unlikely this baby will flip.”

Friends said “Still hoping or feeling okay with it?”

And “That seems crazy. I’m calling my doula.”

Acupuncturists said “We can do Moxa treatment.” 

And “I’m so happy your doctor doesn’t want to push it.”

My sister said “This is your first lesson in not being in control anymore.”

My husband said “Is our baby going to be okay?”

And after a hug from him

A good cry

And therapeutic calls to everyone

I said

“This baby is going to do what it wants.

 I surrender” 

__

People track pregnancies  with fruit and vegetables

I track pregnancy with pineapples and pizza 

Kardashian episodes on repeat, zoom art class activities, In-home Wework configurations, postmate orders, football games and Clipper playoffs

All done horizontally

__

I track pregnancy with gallons of sparkling water 

Lemons and limes

And everything served on ice

I track pregnancy with salted caramel frozen yogurt,  second breakfasts and the comforting sunrise kicks that told me we were all waking up

__

Every website says the baby hears everything

Play them music, talk to them

This baby has heard 

Dua Lipa on a loop 

Matt and Bowen’s Rules of Culture

And only a few nights of practicing my ukulele

This baby has heard fights over names and feeling claustrophobic, taking out the trash and water heaters

This baby has heard tense silence, calming stillness and “Hey Baby. It’s dad.” 

This baby has heard pep talks about vaccines and “Don’t make me laugh I’m going to pee.”  

This baby hears everything and hopefully

Mostly

The reassurance that mom and dad

Will always be

Trying to figure their lives out

Together

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Amidst the advice and the sharing and the commiserating that comes with pregnancy

With motherhood 

I received a text

“Weird to think about it 

But this birthing journey is only half yours. 

Baby has his or her story too!”

__

A story so far told to me 

In heartbeats

Hiccups

And ounces

__

I have been a home

I have been me

All my parts adding up

To a small fraction of the equation

Of everything ahead

Kait Walsh, 2021